Sunday, December 20, 2009

My apologies.

So, it's been a while. I know, you've missed me dearly. You've probably been sitting at your computer refreshing your blog-update screen, hoping that I would remember to post another blog. I'm sorry I've cost you all these hours of anguish.

But, I finished my finals this week, so I'm back! I wish I could tell you that my life has been really exciting and I've been ending world hunger or something, but that would be a bold lie. Really, all I've been doing is writing papers and going to Christmas parties. I know, my life is tough.

Speaking of Christmas, however, if I could magically have one wish granted to me, do you know what it would be? I would wish that Muppets were real and actually mingled with humans, like they do in Muppet Christmas Carol, the greatest Christmas movie ever created. I mean, think about it. Imagine walking down the street and seeing these guys walking next to you (figure 7):

Figure 7: Muppets doing what they do best. Acting like they're real humans.

And, to make things better, they're probably singing, because that is what Muppets do. They sing and tell hilarious jokes. My favorite part about my wish-come-true is that seeing a Muppet walking around the streets would be completely normal. That would mean that if you see a small green frog talking to a family of mice, it's no big deal! Or say the birds are talking to you from above? It's just an every day occurrence! I bet that sometimes inanimate objects would even talk to you! I've always thought that the world would be more fun if bridges could talk, and anything is possible in a world with Muppets. I'm sure bridges are funny when they talk.

Another great thing about living in a land with Muppet citizens is that you never get seriously hurt, no matter what happens! It's like Muppets act as an instant force-field against all calamity. I mean, not that the calamities don't occur, but when they do occur no one gets hurt! I once saw Gonzo fall 30 feet from a tree and simply get up and continue on his merry way. I think this invincibility factor would make my life a lot easier because I fall a lot, and it would be nice to not get injuries all over my body when I do so.

Sometimes I wonder why I fall so much and what I could do to prevent that, but then I can't think of any solutions that I haven't tried. I've tried marching, wearing shoes with exceptional traction, walking on my tip-toes, pounding my heels into the ground when I walk and scuffing my feet, but none of these tactics have worked in keeping me upright. I mean, the other day I walked out of a restaurant and just fell on my face. How did that happen? I have no idea. Granted, it was a little icy, which makes everything worse, but still. Rain also doesn't help my situation. On campus, there are a lot of brick sidewalks and I always, without fail, fall when I'm walking across them in the rain. No matter how careful I am, my feet tend to end up above my head. Needless to say, I always have some pretty awesome bruises, and I won't lie, I kind of like bruises. Sure, they mean that I'm bleeding internally, but they always make me feel really tough. One time I had a bruise on my hip in the shape of a snowman and just because I had to fall down a flight of stairs to get it doesn't make it any less awesome.

Anyway, if I couldn't have that first wish, I would wish that I could just be a character in Muppet Christmas Carol. I mean, is there any better portrayal of Dicken's story!? No. There isn't. I would want to be the little bunny that carries the huge turkey to Bob Cratchet's house at the end because he is so cute and bouncy! Plus, I think it would be fun to have bunny ears. I just realized that that little bunny has a name and that name is Bean Bunny, and Bean Bunny is also the bunny in the movie The Tale of the Bunny Picnic (figure 8):

Figure 8: The cutest Muppet in existence. And that is a proven fact.

Seriously. This is the cutest Muppet I've ever seen, and I've seen my fair share of Muppets in my day. This movie makes me think of all those Wee Sing-Along movies that used to be so cool when I was little. Actually, they might still be cool, but I haven't been little for about 18 years, so I'm not sure. My favorite one was Big Rock Candy Mountain because they had root beer rivers. Wouldn't that be incredible?! We also had the Grandfather's Mansion sing-along, but we could never watch it because my little brother, Logan, was terrified of it. Like seriously. There was one scene where they said the Hickory-Dickory-Dock poem and the mouse who ran up the clock gave him nightmares. Needless to say, we led a pretty sheltered childhood if we were having nightmares about mice from a children's movie.

The last thing that would make my wish complete would be if I could touch the Ghost of Christmas Present's beard/hair (figure 9):

Figure 9: Wow. That beard looks soft.