Wednesday, May 23, 2012

highs and lows.

High: I took my laundry in this morning. Say goodbye to Julie wearing dirty clothes and hello to Julie wearing 30lbs of freshly-laundered clothes. And I bet lots of you didn't know I was wearing dirty clothes. Ha. 

Low: I think someone in my apartment building has tuberculosis. The window in my room opens up to a small courtyard and every morning, no matter what time I wake up, I can hear a man cough-puking really loudly. The fun thing about courtyards is that they echo, and while it's nice when pleasant sounds are echoing, it's really disturbing when the sounds of cough-puking are echoing. How can someone cough-puke every single hour of every single morning? The only answer to this is tuberculosis.

So these are the steps I think he should take:

  1. Go to the doctor/health department immediately.
  2. Get some antibiotics.
  3. Take them.

On the off chance that he's not infected with TB, I think the same steps should be followed. NYC is filled with diseases and cough-puking is bad.

High: I finished editing my book, thanks to my smart friends. I'm submitting it for publishing within the next month. Don't ask me what that means, because I'm still figuring that out. But it's happening. My grammy sent me a publishing contest and I've been researching steps involved in self-publishing, because word on the street is that self-publishing is the way to go. I'll keep you updated.

Low: I slipped on pigeon poop this morning and almost fell. There was a guy fixing light bulbs in the walkway to my building and I was busy making up stories in my head about how he got electrocuted and could then shoot lightning from his fingers and wasn't watching where I was walking. The poop smeared all over my shoes. I'm definitely going to get a disease. Then Cough-Puker and I will have to band together to beat the odds. We'll have to eat cold SpaghettiO's from the can and picket for a Cough-Puke-Free NYC. And we'll probably have to move to Canada.

High: I'm going to Buffalo this weekend. And that's close to Canada. And I'm going to see Niagara Falls. And swim in Scott's swimming pool. And hang out with Scott's family. And hopefully not wear shoes. And I don't work on Friday.

Low: I'm all by myself in the office. 

High: I got coffee from Starbucks this morning. Whenever I do my laundry I always treat myself to Starbucks on the way to work because laundry is hard.

Low: I got coffee from Starbucks this morning. I'm literally shaking at my desk. So. Much. Caffeine. Good thing no one is in the office with me.

High: Yesterday I got an entire subway car to myself on my way to work. So I spun around on the poles and sang Irish music. For those of you who commute into Manhattan, this is what a private subway car looks like:
It looks like this.

For those of you who love Irish music, this is a song that I like:

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

the knife diet.

Do you sometimes go to Mexican restaurants and eat so many free chips you have to lie down afterward? 
Do you ever accidentally shovel four packages of Ramen noodles into your mouth in one sitting?
Have you ever sat down to watch a movie and realized that you were absentmindedly eating bucket(s) of cheez-balls? And not the small cans, I'm talking the Sam's Club, economy-sized buckets.

Well, do I have the diet for you! It's called The Knife Diet! Forget those other utensils, and pick up your knives. Sure, the edge my cut your lip a little bit once in a while, but I guarantee that if you stick with the knife diet, the pounds will come pouring off!

Where did I get this genius idea, you might be wondering? Well, sometimes you can only find a plastic knife in your office. And sometimes the only thing you have to eat in your entire house is a chunk of cabbage and Italian dressing. And sometimes you think, "No big deal, I'll just stab my cabbage with my plastic knife and eat it! That will work!" Well, the best part of this diet is that eating with a knife generally doesn't work. It's really hard. And before you can eat too much, you get frustrated and give up! How could you overeat those chips if you have to use a knife to eat them with? You can't! Four packages of Ramen? Not happening with your knife in hand!

I think my love of knives started when I was a child. When my mom was at some volunteer function during dinnertime, we would often eat peas and my dad would let us stick them on our knives with honey and eat them off and we would all chant the poem:
I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny, 
But it keeps them on my knife.
Yummm. Peeeeeasssss. Honeyyyyy.

Speaking of utensils and peas and childhood, I've always thought that it would be a good idea to invent the Knork, the knife-fork. All you have to do is take a fork and give it a knife edge. Kind of like the spork, but sharper. My siblings told me this was a really terrible idea because you would slice your cheek with every bite. That's why you just have to be careful. Everyone knows you have to be careful if you're eating with a Knork! And I also always wished the word "fork" was spelled "4k." And I love peas.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

things that i've been doing.

Well, friends, it has been a while. Here are some things that I've been doing.

I've been getting real haircuts. Now, I know what you're thinking, "But, Julie! You're so good at cutting your own hair! I remember that time you cut your own bangs with your kitchen shears in your bathroom and they looked spectacular!" However, apparently they did not. After my haircut, my stylist told me to try and stop cutting my own hair. I told her I'd think about it. I mean, I've been cutting my own hair in the bathroom since I was 3 years old and hiding under the sink. I was just a gem of a child, right parents?

I've been working a lot. A lot, a lot. In fact, I just got home from Jumpstart's annual Scribbles to Novels fundraiser event where Tina Fey was the guest speaker! And Stephen Colbert recorded a video encouraging people to sponsor Jumpstart! Tina loves Jumpstart. Stephen loves Jumpstart. I love Jumpstart and Tina and Stephen. We're practically related. I've also been wrapping up the school year. My students are all leaving me and I'm going to miss them dearly! I mean, at least this week I will. Last week I didn't think I would miss them. Ever. There are only so many times I can define the word "mandatory" for them in one day without wanting to shatter something against the wall. I'm pretty sure I had this conversation with every one of my 70 students:
Julie: See you Tuesday night!
Student: Wait, what?
Julie: Did you read your email?
Student: Um, yes? I think so.
Julie: No you didn't. Open it on your phone immediately. Let me know when you've read it.
Student: (reads email) do we have to go on Tuesday?
Julie: Do you see that word "mandatory?"
Student: Yeah, but do we really have to go?
Julie: Do you know what the word mandatory means? It means yes, you have to go. Mandatory does not mean optional. It means required. As in be there. As in I'll see you on Tuesday night for that mandatory event.
Student: Oh.

Painful, I know. However, this week, they've all come by the office to say goodbye for the summer and I kind of miss them already.

I've been watching this video every day. Miriam and I decided that this is the best way to start our 12 hour workdays. Warning: It might change your life.


I've been getting my tax refunds. Sometimes you go through the month and you think, "Wow. Do I even have any money? How am I still able to pay for things?" And then you look at your online banking account and you see that you got your tax refunds and it is a glorious day so you go to TJ Maxx and buy 6 dresses. Making good financial decisions! Don't worry, Papa. I really needed those dresses. This way I only have to do laundry every 3 weeks and I never have to wear pants again! 

I've been dreaming about apartment bunny and looking at cute pictures. Like these little guys:
The best of friends!
And these guys:

And the sleepiest of all bunnies:
Zombie bunnies.

I've been eating tiramisu. Well, tonight I did. I've been eating tiramisu tonight and it was excellent. I only choked on the cinnamon once.