mutants.

Since I'm a real resident of NYC now, a big part of my life is riding the subway. That's right, I'm a commuter now. Big moves. But, my commute takes about 50 minutes so I've had to find exciting things to do while I'm riding, and let me tell you something ("I'm Fire Marshall Bill!"), it's always a thrilling time in the subway dungeons.

Usually, I pass the time waiting for my train to come by searching the subway tracks for rats. Because they're mutants. And Queens rats are kind of cute. Sure, they're still rats, but at least they are rat-sized, not dog-sized like the rats in dirty Brooklyn. I'm not joking, in case you thought I was. Brooklyn is dirty and I saw a rat the size of a small dog. Or a large cat, take your pick. Anyway, Brooklyn rats are mutants because they're scary big, but don't let the Queens rats fool you...they're still mutants because they can walk on the subway tracks. The electric subway tracks. Today I saw an umbrella that someone dropped onto the crack in the tracks and I really wanted to jump down to get it so I could replace my half-umbrella, but then I remembered that I WOULD DIE because I'm not a mutant rat. Unfortunate. Thus, I got really wet on the walk home because I was stuck behind a lot of slow people with whole umbrellas. But if I ever try to drastically change my career path, I may choose Rat Whisperer so I could tell the subway rats to bring me treasures from the tracks. This could be my future.

Other times, I stand on the platform hoping the M train will come before the R train to take me to and from work. The R train, like Brooklyn, is dirty. And it might be because it goes all the way into Brooklyn, but I don't know (maybe I have something against Brooklyn because that is where I lost my iPhone and I'm still a little bitter; but I'm not sure.) It has gross orange seats that always have trash and stains on them and it doesn't have the electronic stop schedule above the seats to tell you where you are, so if for example, you are really into this book you're reading and don't look up and don't hear the muffled sounds of the conductor telling you where you are, you will end up on the fast track to Brooklyn. And then you'll, hypothetically, have to get off the train in Manhattan and get back on a Queens bound subway. Hypothetically, of course.

I don't like the color orange. Or trash. Or dirty looking walls. Hm.

But at least since I go out to Jamaica, Queens and not into Manhattan in the morning, it means I get my own entire bench to sit on and I love it. Maybe it's because no one wants to go to Jamaica, Queens. Or maybe it's because they like to stand with their faces in each others armpits as they cram into the popular trains to go to the hip destinations. I vote Queens. Because I want every subway car to feel important and included.

Also, since I'm an adult and wear dresses to work now, you have to remember to hold your dress down when the subways enter and leave the station because they bring with them a huge gust of air. Which is awesome when it is stuffy and hot on the platform, but not so awesome when it blows your dress up so you accidentally flash everyone around you. Hypothetically.

When I finally get on the train, I usually do one of four things.
1. Stare at people around me until they notice, then smile and look away awkwardly.
2. Read a book and hope that I don't miss my stop.
3. Eat bagels. Duh.
4. Read all the posters that are hanging on the subway walls. Like this gem:

YOU COULD DIE.

People actually do cross through the subway cars. While it is moving. Don't they know the tracks will electrocute them and they COULD DIE? Don't they realize they could be sucked underneath the subway while it is running and they COULD DIE? Don't they realize the subway cars could smash them and they COULD DIE? Come on, people.